Four weeks ago today our family experienced a loss as I suffered a miscarriage. This type of tragedy is somewhat internal and often talked about in hushed conversations. And yet the more I share the news the more I realize just how many women have already experienced this same pain. I feel at peace with this loss and have now for several weeks. This blog is a family record of sorts and thus it feels appropriate to enter it into our family history.
After dinner that Sunday evening, Sean and I went to the hospital knowing the prognosis long before the ER doctor finally announced it to us. We left the hospital heartbroken and empty-handed. Like our others, this pregnancy was planned and this pregnancy had been celebrated. We had broke the news to our family, and we were about to break the news slowly to close friends. Instead we had to retract our announcements and share the news of our loss just two days later.
It seemed like I cried for two days straight. I cried in the shower and into my pillow at night. I cried about how much my heart hurt. I had a follow-up two days after the ER and there the doctor gave me the confidence to be me again. I walked out of there content and finally at peace.
Then a close friend shared with me the following quote. Hope swelled in my heart where once there was a void. An apostle from my church stated, "The Lord compensates the faithful for every loss. That which is taken away from those who love the Lord will be added unto them in His own way. While it may not come at the time we desire, the faithful will know that every tear today will eventually be returned a hundredfold with tears of rejoicing and gratitude." The quote in its context can be found here in a talk given by Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin.
I know every word of that statement to be true. I know that our time and the Lord's time do not always sync here on earth. But I know the Lord loves us. We will try again some day for we feel our family is not complete. But if not, we will still love the Lord.